#lol

Five Funniest Things Gay Men Do in the Summer

This article was penned by internationally known comic entertainer Peter Bisuito. For more information on him, please check out his official website here

It’s June 2018 and summer is right around the gay fabulous corner. It’s time to stretch our smiling muscles, warm up the gag reflexes and laugh at some of the funny shit gay men do in the summer!!

GET ENGAGED

Oh yes, summer is the best time to get engaged. Whether it’s at the beach, a restaurant or on top of a ferris wheel, gay men love to pop the question in the most dramatic way possible. And they especially like to do so after only 3 months of dating. THREE MONTHS!! Now what could possibly go wrong with THAT scenario?? And of course their pronounced love for each other must be dispersed all over social media through cute little poems they’ve written for one another that we all must painfully endure:

“I love Philip and he loves me,

We’re as happy as 2 can be.

I’m so happy that we met,

2 weeks ago on the internet.

Our love is more than enough,

I hope he doesn’t find out I’m still on Scruff.”

And then they finally post that one photo we’re all just waiting for. You know the photo…one guy is on bended knee holding a ring and their caption reads, “HE SAID YES!!” OH PUL-EEZE!! Like I’m supposed to be impressed he said yes after 3 months. What can possibly go wrong with THAT scenario?? My partner and I have been together for 17 years, if I ever posted a photo of myself holding a ring, my caption would read, “HE SAID I GUESS SO.” Ever notice how the word “gag” is in the middle of engaged?? Trust me, it’s NOT a coinkedink.

PRIDE PARADES

Summer time is pride time and pride time is gay time and gay time is FUN time! The gays come out of the woodwork and dress up in their most outrageous outfits to participate in pride parades across the globe. And with good reason! We worked hard and we’ve earned the right to do so! Pride parades are getting so popular that straight people and children also partake in the festivities. YES…KIDS!! There’s a whole new generation of acceptance coming up through the pike. Pride parades with little children marching in support. Take THAT Anita Bryant!

GROOMING

It’s almost summer and now’s the time to look your best. I’ve always been astounded at how the gays love to groom themselves. And I’m all for it. You wanna look good then you need to werk it gurl. Hair salons, days spas, teeth whitening, botox…you name it, the gays are doing it. I even saw a place that offered anal bleaching. Apparently there’s a lot of gays in this world who just don’t like the color of their shit-stained anus. So they have it bleached. Since I’ll try anything once, I decided to look into it and the least expensive anal bleaching I was able to find was $120. I was NOT going to spend 120 bucks to get my anus bleached. So I just ran over to the drug store and bought a bottle of Sun-In for $6.49. I sprayed my anus with Sun-In and laid in the sun for over 4 hours with my legs in the air. Unfortunately my anus turned orange, however I did make lots of new friends!

PLAY SPORTS

Now, I don’t know about you, but I hate sports. I was awful at sports growing up. I was that moron in basketball always running the wrong way on the field trying desperately to avoid that penalty dug out. I still have visions on my father sitting in the bleachers hanging his head in shame. But for some gays, they love being on a team and participating in something that NO gay man should participate in unless it’s gymnastics or ice-skating. To me gay men who play sports is the equivalent to lesbians in musical theater.

GET POLITICAL

Summer is best time for the gays to get political. Why?? Cuz we LOOOVE to march in protest. Not just because it’s good cardio and firms up the triceps by lifting heavy signs up and down, but because gays love to fight for justice. Haven’t you noticed whenever the gays get pissed off, all the arts & crafts stores raise their rates on poster board & markers? Fighting for injustice is what we do. But what the gays don’t understand is that all this marching is completely unnecessary. If you want to change the laws in this country and fight injustice, all you really need is a pissed off lesbian. It’ll free up much of your time so you can concentrate on much more important things. Like getting engaged, going to pride parades, having your anus bleached or playing volleyball.

Nyle DiMarco Hugs The Wrong Kind of Bear But It's OK

Dear Mr. Nyle DiMarco

Greetings! My name is Ryan Shea and I have been a fan of yours ever since you first appeared on the CW reality competition series America's Next Top Model.

Just like ANTM's host Tyra Banks, I also thought you were "fine as hell" and really rooted for you from beginning to end and was elated that you won. I was just as thrilled when you decided to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, where you won that too. So awesome.

You've also been a fantastic advocate for the deaf community and have championed a lot of causes for not only you but millions of hearing impaired people around the world which makes you that much more incredible. 

But Nyle, there's a bit of a problem. I was perusing your Twitter account the other day (for fun) and noticed that you were hugging an absolutely adorable stuffed bear for a shoot you are doing with Buzzfeed (big fan of that website of course). You even gave the bear a huge kiss which made the 4 second video that much cuter.

As sweet as that was, I have to say that you are in the right area when it comes to hugging bears, but it would be better if you actually found a real one to hug... and I don't mean the actual animal.

For that, I am offering up my huggable bear services to you given that I am, according to society and that ex twink that I dated who said I ate too much... a bear. Here are three great reasons why hugging bears (real ones once again, not animals), are great:

  • We provide a lot of warmth due to our fur and husky type figures.
  • This is great for the colder months when a basic jacket just won't do.
  • We are primarily adorable and that's why men flock to us.
  • Those reasons are good enough.

So Nyle, if you are ever in need of a real bear to hug, hit me up. Maybe I can even buy you a piece of pizza afterwards and we can discuss how awesome Britney Spears is (I hope you are a fan). I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Ryan 

This was created by one of our contributing writers and does not reflect the opinion of Instinct Magazine or the other contributing writers when it comes to this subject. Also... this is meant to be simply humor. I do not expect Nyle to ever get back to me on this... for real. It's meant to be a silly joke, and I hope you all got a good laugh at it! Happy Pride. 

Shawn Mendes is Interested in Justin Bieber's Underwear

Super cute Shawn Mendes has made a somewhat naughty confession about another male artist.

The "Mercy" singer appeared on late night host James Corden's Carpool Karaoke this week, where things took a turn for the sexy about a minute into it.

The two first get into a lively rendition of Shawn's hit "There's Nothing Holding Me Back" before the topic of conversation becomes... underwear.

Shawn talked about finally moving out of his parents crib and into his own place in Toronto... aye (SP?). He then chats about doing things independently now that he's on his own, but also reveals that his mother still does his laundry whenever she comes to visit him.

Then, James decides to bring up how Justin Bieber (allegedly) buys a new pair of underwear every single day and then sells them online. This piques Shawn's interest, who then admits he would buy them. But for how much though?

Watch the clip below: 

Melissa McCarthy Shades a Well Known Gay Porn Star in Hilarious Video

What does actress Melissa McCarthy have against super cute Arad Winwin?

The Emmy-award winner just did a hilarious YouTube video for Glamour Magazine where she gives strangers on the internet some unsolicited advice. This is part of her promotion for her upcoming film Life of the Party which comes out next month. 

One of them happened to be Arad, who asked his followers the question of "Hey guys. New profile pic??? What do you think???"  The photo shows him wearing nothing but a pair of skintight underwear that shows off a package that is definitely... win-win.

"I think pull your pants up," Melissa exclaimed. "We know you are in good shape... pull your pants up!" So it looks like Melissa won't be watching any of Arad's movies anytime soon.

Clip here:

 

 

 

 

Subway Rider Gets Caught Creeping on Nyle DiMarco!

As someone who had the pleasure of interviewing the super studly Nyle DiMarco once (he did the red carpet for Hulu's Difficult People a couple of years back), I can understand how any specimen can find themselves in a super awkward situation when they realize just how gorgeous he is in real life.

Case in point, a lovely subway rider in New York City who found herself on the E train with him and started taking creeper shots (way to go!)  without realizing who he was originally.  "Rarely do you see a supermodel ride the subway train," she told Buzzfeed News. "I can tell he’s a fashion model because of what he was wearing."

Her sleuth skills starting kicking in immediately. "I was trying to figure out who he was," she said. She took a ton of amazing creeper shots, then figured out who he was when she scrolled past a Facebook article of his.

 

Then, she went from creeper status to "here I am" status when she actually shared the photo she took of him on his Facebook page.  "I think I saw you on the E train last Sunday.  If this is you, you are very handsome in person!"

Nyle was nice enough to not only get back to her but upload a photo of her taking a creeper shot of him!  Hehe.  "Yes I knew you were taking pics of me.  Thank you love!"

Nice work!  See the whole story here

Gus Kenworthy Says He Would Die Happy 'Choking to Death' on This

Oh Gus Kenworthy, your naughtiness knows no end!

This past year alone, he has offered Ricky Martin and his partner Jwan Yosef a chance to make up for a "missed connection" as well as passionately making out with his boyfriend Matt Wilkas and fellow Olympian Adam Rippon all over the world.  But what, in particular, would make his death full of sheer happiness if he was able to "choke to death" on it?

Get your mind out of the gutter folks!  Turns out, it's a delicious soft pretzel from Auntie Anne's that would make his death simply blissful if he accidentally choked to death on it.  Based on how yummy they are, we definitely couldn't agree more.  

A particular type of produce (lettuce) was jealous of his love of the breaded deliciousness that is Auntie Anne's, and decided to see if he liked the crunchy green veggie as well.

His response definitely got the lettuce all wilted up:

By the way, we weren't the only one to think dirty thoughts when it came to his original tweet.  See below:

 

 

Who Would Kathy Griffin Save From Death: Andy Cohen or Anderson Cooper?

Kathy Griffin has let her opinions be heard about several different people in and out of the entertainment industry (take a look at our exclusive we did with her last month for a taste of that), however two punching bags that she seems to get a thrill out of shading recently is her former boss Andy Cohen and her former best friend Anderson Cooper.

Andy, who was Kathy's boss during her time on Bravo's My Life on the D-List and her talk show that aired in the early 2010's, wasn't exactly cherished by the legendary comedian.  She went on a 17-minute rant about him and TMZ's Harvey Levin back in October.  During that video, she said that he was a "miserable boss", made allegations about his drug use and said that he (alongside Harvey) lived to take women down. 

At the same time, she and Anderson had a major falling out after the whole Trump photo situation, where he shaded her on social media and essentially chose career over friendship in the process.  This became a big topic of conversation on social media when Andy replaced Kathy to host CNN's New Year's Eve, which was universally panned as a result.

Kathy decided to keep her shade about the two of them going, as she appeared on Howard Stern's talk show earlier this week.  The legendary radio host asked her a simple question about them: "If you had to save Anderson Cooper's life, or Andy Cohen's life, who do you choose at this point?"

"I would let them both die," Kathy quickly retorted.  Not shocking at all.

What are your thoughts on Kathy's response? 

 

Adam Devine Sat Down with His Father to Discuss His Nude Scenes

Talk about family bonding.

Pitch Perfect star Adam Devine made waves recently as he became the latest actor to go full-frontal in the Netflix film Game Over, Man!

The much-talked about scene has definitely got people talking, one of which happens to be his own father as they enjoyed a private screening of the movie while discussing... his privates.

In a video that he posted on his Instagram, he and his dad get into an interesting discussion regarding his peen, including comparing the size between the two.

"My penis is your favorite part of the movie?” joked Adam.  “Hell yes, I made that…” his dad replied. Umm...

That didn't stop Adam from making things super awkward (as if they already weren't) by then asking "Is it the same size?" to which his dad boasted by saying one word, "bigger."

The video then cut before the discussion likely continued about who really was bigger (allegedly).  See the cringe-esque clip here

 

Chrissy Teigen's Meal Swap Gives Her a Bear Mentality of Sorts

Before all the social justice warriors come for me about this post, let me just say: I am a proud bear, I love my food, and this is meant to be funny.  Also, as a side note, I freaking love Chrissy Teigen.

Chrissy, who has had a history of making me and millions of other people laugh out loud with her hilarious tweets, Instagram posts and more, has kept the funny going with a tweet she recently put out regarding trading in a healthy meal for one that was a bit more substantial.

The Sports Illustrated supermodel and mommy-to-be (she's expecting her second child with her very handsome husband John Legend), spoke about how she threw up her healthy dinner and opted to make one that just is reminiscent of many of the bear dinners I would go on with my fellow comrades.

The list of food she devoured reads as follows:

Sounds delicious, right?  I can't make the same excuse for my cravings as I'm not preggo (even though I've looked six months for several years now), however I appreciate Chrissy's honest candor about keeping it real regarding the yummy food she wants to eat.  Keep these going Chrissy, as I'm always "hungry" for more.